By Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully
www.themchalereport.blog
The chief municipal judge, sitting on the Brownsville bench for 30 years, disappears in Africa and the public discovers that it is the Herald that is inhabiting the dark continent.
But what should we expect from Publisher Frank "La Escoba" Escobedo who is a pygmy journalistically. Or from Ryan "Herpes" Henry who looks like a South African prison guard getting his Nazi kicks water-boarding Nelson Mandela.
On Monday Judge Ben Neece was abducted after deplaning in Lome, Togo, a tiny, sliver-shaped country located in West Africa. He was blindfolded, bound and held captive in a bathroom while his kidnappers negotiated a ransom with the lawyer's associates and friends in Brownsville. He was finally set free Tuesday afternoon. He arrived in Brownsville Wednesday night.
And the newspaper hasn't printed one word about this international incident, which could have ended tragically if one of the assailants holding a knife against Neece's neck had chosen to kill his hostage.
"The time has come to boycott the Herald," said a former columnist. "If the dying daily isn't misinforming or disinforming, then it isn't informing at all. One of the most popular figures in Brownsville finds himself in a life-or-death situation and the Herald still has not commented on Neece's ordeal.
"The Herald is situated only three (actually one, Jerry) blocks from Neece's office. Escobedo or Henry couldn't have sent a reporter to ask questions!?! Can you imagine if the Brownsville Police Department operated in a similar fashion? Criminals would rule. By ignoring the ignorance, poverty and corruption that swamps our tortured town, nobody has contributed more to our ignominious designation as the Third World Capital of the United States than the worthless Herald."
The blogs, as usual, were the source for the breaking and evolving news story. Neece, upon his return, didn't bother issuing a statement to the Herald. Instead, he turned to Juan Montoya's El Rrun Rrun to speak to the community.
"Many critics say that the newspaper is on its last legs, but I say it is already a double amputee," opined Scott Steinbeck, The McHale Report's managing editor. "Maclovio O'Malley, la Voz de los Vatos, insists that the Herald is so desperate it is hiring unemployed politiqueras to recruit fire-eaters and jugglers from Matamoros corners to sell newspapers at Brownsville's busiest intersections.
"The Herald has apparently cut a deal with the military. Just like a Mexican immigrant fighting and dying in action automatically becomes a U.S. citizen, an undocumented Herald employee allegedly receives the same citizenship if he is reduced to road kill at Four Corners."
As has been mentioned on previous occasions, the Herald spends most its time mastering the art of masturbation without ejaculation. A darkness hangs over the newsroom like an oppressive shadow. The only light emanates from the blank computer screens reflecting the blank minds of the underpaid and underfed staff.
Failing to cover Neece's epic tale, the Herald has officially ceased to be a newspaper. If it got any thinner, it would literally disappear. According to a source at the McAllen Monitor, the Herald's circulation has dipped below 10,000. Anyone who pays the newspaper's advertising rates is living proof that the daily has succeeded in making the stupid even more stupid.
"I spend about five minutes scanning the paper's webpage," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss who attended Fidel Castro's funeral in the company of Dr. Lorenzo Pelly. "After checking the obits to assure myself that I still exist, I'll quickly read the headlines. Of course, I've already read the blogs because I know from long experience that the blogs are covering the waterfront while the Herald is dozing like George Bush before 9/11.
"I remember Donald Trump bragging that he could murder someone on Fifth Avenue and he wouldn't be prosecuted. Mayor Tony 'Tamales' Martinez could put a bullet through someone's head on Elizabeth with immunity. Instead, Escobedo and Henry would have a ribbon-cutting as their page one story.
"Quit buying the Herald. It only protects the rich, the powerful, the elite and the special interests. The entire time Julieta 'La Santissima Putissima' Garcia was destroying TSC, the Herald served as her ministry of propaganda by proclaiming she was one of the world's greatest educators. The Neece fiasco is the final nail in the coffin."